How Hard Was It?
by scarletraven007
Summary: Sasuke Loves and loved a certain blond. His thought process through the whole Naruto series from the first episode to one of my thousands of Naruto endings.   YAOI FLUFF and ALOT of spoilers. T for swears. Don't like Don't Read. I'm bad at summaries


**AN: WARNING SPOILER! COMPLETE SPOILER! IT GOES FROM THE FIRST CHAPTER OF NARUTO TO WHERE SASUKE WAS LAST SCENE TO ONE OF MY ENDINGS OF NARUTO!  
**

**Disclaimer- Why the hell am i writing this? This is a FAN-FICTION! on a FAN-FICTION website. why would Masashi Kishimoto be making a fanfiction when he has a manga to make? The only reason i wrote one of these stupid things is because i know you will freak at the ending saying NOOOO that cant happen! Well im not the writer. And this might not be the true Naruto ending. It could be...but i dont know.**

Looking deep into your cerulean blue eyes always made my day. When you thought I was glaring at you out of hate. But in truth, the way you always reacted was cute. The way your tan nose would scrunch up with anger while your eyes would shine with almost annoyance. The way your voice would get to a higher pitch just to yell at me. It was always cute and I wouldn't be able to look away. Almost too cute.

I had to always respond without many words, just so I wouldn't say something stupid or start blushing. To my luck that would make you madder and you would react the same way you always did.

You don't know how hard it was to not jump you where you stood. Every single day not being able to take what I wanted. You always just one step away.

The way you got yelled at by Sakura made me infuriated. But I couldn't do anything even if I would of have done anything for you. But knowing yourself, almost more than you do, I knew that if I did anything you would hate me more than you already did. Saying how you didn't need my help.

But you knew that. Even if you say you didn't you know you did.

When you failed your test I went home and sulked. I did nothing. I didn't even train like I would do hours on end until I would collapse. I'm not perfect but neither were you. I told myself that maybe I should go to you and try to cheer you up. Or even better go to the Hokage and demand for your graduation, even if it did disgrace the Uchiha name.

If it was for you I would do anything…

But No, I didn't need to because then, somewhere, you pulled it off by yourself.

Without my need.

I was excited when you sat down at the desk. But I couldn't get myself to talk to you. Then _again_ Sakura treated you like crap. Like Nothing. And the reason? Because of me. This just made me hate her more.

Too bad she didn't know that I was already in love. And the person she hated was him.

Because of the way she treated you she had absolutely no hope for me every loving her. Plus the fact that was gay was a huge set back.

When I was thinking intently about that cruel witch, you jumped on the desk and stared into my eyes. Most people, or all people, who saw us said that when our eyes connected it was because we hated each other. But in truth, to me, it felt like that thing you're always speaking about.

I felt as if a bond was formed. And then

We Kissed.

I know it was an accident. But to me that kiss meant more than my thought on revenge against my brother. You don't know how hard it was to not grab hold to the back of your blond spikes and kiss you more passionately.

But of course my love was one sided and you hated me and thought of me as your rival. Nothing more nothing less.

We got put on the same team and I was ecstatic. But sadly that pink haired girl was put on the same squad as well. Just think of the odds. I just wanted to be with you. I didn't care about anyone else. Only you. But with her that would be almost impossible. Her constant nagging and complaints made me want to kill her.

At that time, when Kakashi Sensei, was asking us about our hobbies and goals and I Said I wanted to kill a certain someone I wasn't talking about my brother. I was talking about her. She always hurt you, without a care in the world, but always stayed loyal to me.

She disgusts me.

Plus she was weak.

And _you_ loved her.

It hurt to see you get turned down and physically harmed. Always getting bruises from her nasty touches. It hurt. A sharp pain always stabbed in my chest. But if you loved her, even a little bit, I would tolerate her for you.

When we got put on the mist mission we thought it would be easy. But that didn't happen. Because before we knew it Kakashi was facing that guy Zabuza. Then soon Kakashi actually started to train us. Sakura finished first and wouldn't stop taunting her _superiority_ but she also didn't know how much it upset me not just you. The two got bored of waiting so we were stuck there alone.

You made it a competition, me being your rival. Your tan skin glissaning from sweat. Your smiling face turning serious every so often just added up to the fact on how perfect you were. We kept screaming insults at each other, that I knew weren't real, with smiles plastered on our faces. I could say smirks.

Finally we weren't just rivals, we were friends. The bond had continued.

I helped you walk, while you supported me as well, and we made our way back to the house. I loved being that close to you. I almost wished we could stay in those positions forever.

But that all shattered.

When I faced Haku

For awhile I honestly thought I Might die, without ever seeing you again. Yes my first thought before I might die wasn't about my brother or revenge, but you. How you would never know my love or how I would never see that hair kissed by the sun, or smile, tainted by an angel, again.

But then to my joy and Horror, you showed up. Joy for knowing I could see you again. But my horror that you could actually get hurt or die. And to my realization, that might happen.

Haku began to attack you. I couldn't get enough courage to scream at you, fear clogging my throat. So I had no choice.

My body did move on its own and I'm proud of it. I took all the wounds and you screamed at me, saying that you didn't need my help (Like I knew you would) but I couldn't care less. You were safe and that was the only thing I cared about.

I collapsed in your arms. The sound of your agonizing screams will never die in my head. How much you hurt for me, your rival, no, your friend.

I fell unconscious but not before seeing tears roll down your face.

When I woke up it wasn't to you but to Sakura. She was crying tears saying my name over and over again. But at the same time your name was going over and over again in my head. I was panicking. Wondering where you were. Wishing on everything in life that you weren't killed. All my thoughts crumbled together and I was beginning to hyperventilate.

But then there you were, with Kakashi and I was better.

You don't know how hard it was not to cry out to you, or just cry, on how scared I truly was. To dying and for you.

Sadly that very thought made we want to get stronger. I felt weak. So weak that I was falling behind you.

As fast as we got back we were told about the chunin exam. But before that we had met Gaara, I hated how he looked at you. Like you were his dinner. His next kill. I wanted to kill him. He had no right to stare at you like that!

We passed the written test. I was worried, again, for you the whole time. The way you sweat because you were nervous. I wanted to hug you because you seemed troubled. You seemed so interested in passing to not fail anyone. I was proud of you. Even if I didn't seem like it.

Even though that tough time passed the real trouble hadn't happened yet. The main cause of our problems! I cannot think about how if we never did those stupid chunin exams in the first place would we be like we are now?

The forest of death

Orochimaru

The curse Mark.

If we never met that snake we might of have been together happy. I wouldn't of have left the village until I was trained to kill my brother. I would have stayed with you.

But no he cursed me with my horrible fate and we both fell unconscious.

When I woke up we were side by side on the cold forest floor. Anger and darkness pierced through my veins. I couldn't control myself. They tried to hurt you while you slept calmly. Not knowing what was happening around us.

Unacceptable.

I Snapped.

And because of that

I almost snapped him.

Then Sakura hugged me and it reminded me of your embrace and how much love I cared for you. I was pulled out of the darkness. I have to admit if Sakura hadn't done that I would have been consumed with hate forever.

Things moved faster. Everything seemed to speed by. I wouldn't want to admit it but other than Sakura I tried to avoid your worried gazes toward me. The way you kept glancing my way. I loved the way you looked at me, but at this time I could see behind the worriedness there was fear. I could tell that you were slightly confused on what had happened. Knowing that you were unconscious actually at the time of the fiasco. But I could tell that you knew the gist of it. I didn't want you to be scared.

And that thought just made the curse mark burn more.

It wouldn't stop.

So painful

It must of hated feelings toward love.

Again I was put into battle and if it wasn't for your eyes watching me I would have been sucked into the darkness again. I won, but was taken right away by Kakashi. Who tried to seal up the damned mark. I couldn't stop thinking if you would win to. If so, would we have to battle each other?

Kakashi told me the gist of everything. How you won your battle. I did laugh. Not to be mean or anything. More on the fact on how relieved I was that we could use each other as inspiration to succeed.

When you asked Kakashi to train you I was there. Silently listening not too far away. Hoping that Kakashi would say yes.

But he refused.

When we were alone I tried to convince Him stating 'we could do better together!' But Kakashi said that what I would be doing was too dangerous. And I didn't want you to get hurt. So, sadly, I complied and tried to get you out of my thoughts.

But you were always there…alongside Itachi. I still wanted to kill him but the only thing holding me back was you. And that somewhat annoyed me. It frustrated me because I knew it was because of the one I loved that I was being held back. I wanted revenge, no, needed revenge. It was stopping me from living life and enjoying you. But I also didn't want to hurt you in the process.

Not being around you for a month let the darkness of revenge consume me more. It was a month without sunshine. But during the month I got stronger.

Before I knew it I was facing Gaara. Trying my best to kill him for even setting his eyes on you. But hell went loose. Gaara went insane and he ran away with his siblings. That bastard Orochimaru came and battled the Hokage as well.

I chased Gaara and…Luck wasn't on my side.

Everything went fast.

Battle after battle.

I got cocky

I thought I got stronger

But then…I failed. You and Sakura appeared. She got caught, I was helpless. It was _you_ who saved _us_.

You don't know how hard it was just to sit there and not be able to do anything.

But I couldn't do anything. I was weak. And you were bloody. Tears filled my eyes. I just couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't able to protect you.

I needed to get stronger

I'm sorry.

Sorry on how I acted, sorry on the way I always acted.

I loved you. I still love you and I always will.

But I needed to be stronger. The thought of strength clouded my mind. But you were there. And you wouldn't leave. Your smile weakened me, your eyes killed me. I couldn't get you out of my mind so…I decided to leave.

I promised myself I would come back to the village, no matter what consequences I would get because I left in the first place. But I needed my revenge.

I loved you.

When I got stopped I was hoping it was you. If I look back now if it was you instead of Sakura, crying your eyes out begging me to stay…I might of. No. I would have stayed.

I would have hugged you close to my chest, kissing your tears away begging _you_ to stop crying or my heart would tear into pieces.

But…It wasn't you and I left.

Orochimaru's goons didn't believe that I would go there without trouble so they placed me in that barrel. At the same time the curse mark began to heat and it felt as if poison was being injected directly into my body. I fell unconscious from the excruciating pain. But even so, I could still hear the things that were happening around me.

'Why did you follow? I left to protect you. So I wouldn't hurt you later on to get my revenge. So I wouldn't kill you like my brother told me to… I'll come back to you…' or so I thought.

Faster and more painful the darkness of the curse mark consumed me and then…before I knew it we were fighting. I was hurting the one I loved just so I could get away from my confused mind.

'Why are you trying so hard! You have way more people to love for you to care for you. So why me? You have many friends that cherish the moments they spend with you. So why are you so devoted to me!' I loved you but… I just couldn't stay.

I heard that when true ninja's battle and their fists meet, you can see the other thoughts. But we weren't true ninjas at the time. I hoped you got my message though. On how I was sorry and that I loved you.

When you passed out, I was scared that I had actually killed you. It started to rain. I looked at you. Stared at your closed eyelids. Hoping that I could see your crystal blue eyes again but at the same time hope they don't because I didn't know if I would be able to walk away. I saw you breathe and I took a breath of relief. If I wasn't so depressed I would have smiled. If it wasn't for the rain you would see my tears. My rival, my friend, my love.

You don't know how hard it was to leave you. You don't know how much pain my heart suffered for not seeing your face every day. To not being able to look into your eyes or to hear your laugh. It suffered and in the end it turned Dark and cold.

Orochimaru said you made me weak.

That was true.

But you also made me strong.

3 years later I got stronger, Itachi my main goal. I tried to keep you out of my mind as much as I could because if I didn't… It would hurt more than the curse mark could ever hurt me.

I needed you…

When you showed up I was heartbroken to see that you had actually replaced me. That you had another one filling in the spot on team 7. But then I noticed how you treated him and how he treated you and it wasn't the same. But still…

That didn't stop the pain that had started.

You started screaming about bonds. About how we were connected and how I would never be able to get away from you.

It made me smirk.

I agreed with you. And in my head there were many bonds that I had formed with you. Hundreds that you would never even imagine. And it all started when I fell in love with you.

But I couldn't take the pain in knowing how you could never feel the same and how I could actually end up hurting you in the end. I made an internal vow that I would get back to you. Even if it killed me.

I hurt you to get away, to try to make it so you would stop chasing me. And then…

I was gone.

Yes, I knew that I was getting used by the snake. How I was his _vessel_. And I knew that I was in an extremely dangerous situation. But what he didn't know was that I knew that little fact. So he wasn't planning on me stopping his life.

I couldn't take any more risk on him getting closer on killing me. If he killed me I would break my promise for you.

So after this thought I killed him. Knowing that I was fully ready for revenge.

Now really, that wasn't hard at all.

I first knew that I needed a team. A stepping stone. And of course in the team I needed you. But because I couldn't get the bubbly blond spiked beautiful eyed boy that I needed I got the next best.

Suigetsu.

No I wasn't replacing you. No one can replace you. You're irreplaceable.

But he did calm my ache for awhile. His cockiness reminded me of you. But his smile wasn't the same. His spiked jagged teeth can't compare for your gleaming grin.

I had to get the rest of my team. Sadly, I had to get another Sakura. Karin. And what do you know she hated Suigetsu just like Sakura hated you. But even if the team brought back some fond memories, they also opened old doors that I had locked behind me long ago.

Many times I would walk away from my bickering team just to watch the sunset or sunrise. Watching the sun often reminded me of you. Hoping that when I'm done with the whole Itachi thing it could get back to the way things were. I would hold my hand up imagining your hand clasping around mine. I would then sigh at remembrance that you only saw me as a friend, no, brother.

In a few days I felt traces of your chakra right away. At the same time we got a lead on Itachi. I decided to leave so I wouldn't be stuck looking in those deep blue eyes of yours. But luck wasn't on my side, again, and I found one of your clones.

It took all my strength to kill that one clone. Since it looked like you. It even took more strength to just leave instead of staying there waiting for the real you to show up.

I fought my brother. His story on the real reason I was born broke me for a few minutes. How I was only alive for the purpose of him taking my eyes. And there for I knew I needed to finish him off. I had known if I died I would have failed you. But now I had to worry about my eyes to hope that they weren't taken away from me. If so I wouldn't be able to see you and I would rather want to be dead.

But he wouldn't die!

We were finally both at our limits, but he wouldn't stop coming towards me. He wouldn't stop fighting. He was coughing up blood and he should have been a goner but he wouldn't stop!

I was backed against a wall and then he whispered with a smile, "Sorry Sasuke. There won't be a next time." He was finally gone.

You may not know this, but after Madara Uchiha told me the truth on my brother's intentions and the real reason he killed my clan, our blood, I felt like a 7 year old. Helpless. Wanting my nii-san…brother.

You don't know how hard it was not to have you around when I needed you the most. I wanted to cry with someone. One thing for sure, crying in general wasn't that hard anymore. I killed him. And I just couldn't stop my tears from coming out. They weren't stuck inside any longer.

Along with my anger.

Toward the leaf.

I wanted to destroy it.

But save one.

Like my brother had.

You.

Kill the leaf for the sake of the Uchiha name. But also to destroy all the villagers that treated you like crap. All for the reason of having a demon inside you. It's not like you had nominated yourself for the position. But sadly I also wanted to battle you. To see if you had truly gotten stronger. Maybe a trait that I got from my brother.

But I got to Danzo first.

I battled him. Trying to not think of you as much as I could. Your chakra coming into my senses every now and then. You were so close, but so far.

I was angry that he had disgraced the Uchiha's with the Sharingan!

I killed him. Leaving me still weak from the battle.

And like on cue another one with the sharingan showed up. Kakashi. The way he used the sharingan angered me. Not as much as Danzo though. Knowing that you cared for Kakashi deeply.

Sakura tried to kill me. I'm not sad to say I really didn't care for her either. I even used the positions we were in to try to kill her for all the things she did to you. But then _you_.

There wasn't anger in those big beautiful eyes. But concern, confidence and some courage were in them. We started to fight. You kept screaming to me about going back to the village and how much you missed me. How you didn't like how I was gone.

'I love and I'm sorry but I can't go back to that wretched village at this moment. I know they weren't the ones that killed him, that my hands are the ones stained in his blood, but it was them that made him kill his own family. Are you hearing me? I'm sorry. But I at least need to kill the elders. But then, only then, may you be able to take me out of the darkness. Your sunshine will help me.'

Through our battle I know you might of didn't get my message. I heard you speaking but maybe it was because _I _wasn't good enough that you didn't hear me. Sadly my vision began fading and I couldn't see your face clearly anymore. Only your tears.

My last punch wasn't to hurt you. It was a repetition of our old handshake. And also to softly take away the tears. You winced. But I didn't want to hurt you. I wouldn't be able to live if I did.

I got my brothers eyes, to be close to him and to see again. At that time, when I was blind from the transplant, I didn't know you were in trouble. I was more alone than anything.

No one

Not even the team I made up. but maybe that's because I almost killed that bitch Karin.

I missed you more than ever. Since our last encounter I was desperate to see your face clearly. And since I was blind and alone without even Madara, I didn't know that the whole ninja world was in a war against him.

It took me 4 weeks to declare myself healed and get out of that place, where I was held in for recovery. And almost immediately I found the war. I was ambushed by plenty of leaf sand mist and other shinobi.

'How dare Madara keep this from me!'

And you. You were nowhere to be found.

I had no idea what side I was on. And then he showed up. With crow black hair.

My Brother.

I felt like a kid, for the 2nd time, and hugged him close to my chest. I didn't want to let him go. Then I realized…it wasn't possible. There was no way he could be here now.

Madara and Kabuto had brought back everyone. Took them from the peace and not hatred to War and death.

I was furious.

Itachi lectured me. Telling me that he wouldn't have time because if he didn't say this now Madara would soon control him completely. He lectured me. Telling me that he didn't want me to kill the leaf. He wanted me to be the hero. He told me don't trust Madara. Kill him.

I nodded and told Itachi to not go. But he shook his head and smiled. "That's all I needed to know. I'm always watching over you Sasuke." And he faded away. His heart was cleansed.

I didn't lie. I was going to stop revenge. But I needed one thing. For me and to save everyone. Kill Madara Uchiha. He had to be stopped to save everyone.

We fought. I was losing then, from somewhere, you showed up and helped me. When I saw you I wanted to hug you to kiss you to forget every dreadful thing that happened.

Madara was killed. The war had finished. The dead moved on and everyone, living and dead, rested. Kabuto Had died.

Madara had betrayed him earlier.

I thought it was all over.

But no

You looked into my eyes

I looked into yours

You wanted to fight

So did I

I'm sorry

I will never forget you

We knew we might die.

No

We knew we would die.

But I knew it would be me.

I'm just happy were true ninjas

If not you wouldn't be able to see my thoughts.

You wouldn't be able to know I love you.

You wouldn't be able to know how much I loved you.

Love you.

I saved everyone.

But more importantly I saved you.

I love you

I'm glad you know it

_Naruto_…

Why are you crying?

I love you.

I knew this would happen if we fought.

I'm happy that you know that I love you and I always will.

I still wonder if we never met Orochimaru would this happen?

Could this all have been avoided?

All in all it happened.

But I will admit that if I could go in the past I'd do it all differently.

I love you.

You don't know how hard it is to close my eyes on you.

How hard it is to never be able to see that beautiful face

Or those Shining delicate blue eyes, that always killed me, in person again

But you don't know how happy it makes me to see that face of yours.

So please don't cry…

I love you…

Naruto, tears scrolling down his cheeks, Sasuke in his arms, tears of joy and sadness down his as well, screamed In pure agony, "Sasukeeeeee!"

I love you…too

END


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